Doubt, My Old Friend

The truth is that none of us is immune to doubt. Overall, I like to think of myself as a confident guy. I have admitted to myself, though, that in the difficult times I have sometimes had serious doubts. But I have always consoled myself by claiming that I didn't doubt God - I just doubted myself. Anyone who works with youth will probably recognize the feeling. It usually comes after a disappointment: you hold a youth event that was supposed to minister to fifty or more, and five showed up. It's humbling. This time of year is the customary time to plan for the year ahead. In light of what I see as past failures, I tend to let my doubts rein in my planning. I pray for guidance, but then too often pull back short of God's calling because of "humility."

There's a tricky thing about that kind of thinking, though: doubt of God often disguises itself as humility about oneself. I doubt that I'll be able to be the man God has called me to be, forgetting that when He calls, He promises to provide, equip, and empower.

I've cleverly disguised my doubts as doubting something other than God, but disguises are worthless under the penetrating gaze of the Author of Truth. Moses, for one, tried this disguise method unsuccessfully once in regard to his lack of public speaking ability.

But if you're feeling guilty along with me for your own doubts, keep reading.

There is good news about doubt. That good news is that when we recognize doubt and have a frank discussion with God about it, He gives us more grace. He helps us to keep taking risks and working for Him even in the face of that doubt; sometimes even when the feelings of doubt are still hanging heavily around our necks.

Last week I worked hard to prepare a message for our Wednesday junior high youth group. I thought I had some good material, and it was going to be great. Before I could even get going I had to break up a fight and suspend two students for a week. (Suspend students from coming to CHURCH?!? Yes. Call me if you have a better proven method for corralling students who show all signs of being future convicts.) During the message two of the most influential older students were a constant distraction. I left feeling like I needed to quit. I just couldn't do this any more. I didn't have the ability. No offense, God - it's not you; it's me.

Then Thursday I got a message from the middle-school counselor at the public school. She wanted to talk to me. I drove to the school with a sinking feeling, which was remarkable in that I didn't know I could sink much deeper. I waited outside her office on the same bench where (the secretary told me) several of my youth group students had waited to be called on the carpet. I felt a certain affinity for those students' feelings while sitting on that bench. 

Finally I was called into the office. I hadn't met this particular counselor yet, although I knew who she was. She shook my hand and introduced herself as I prayed desperately for strength and hoped this wouldn't be as bad as I was imagining it might be. Then she said something surprising: "I wanted to meet you, because I keep hearing your name from students - you're really doing something right over there at the church."

I'm so glad there's no video recording of my facial expression at that moment.

She went on to say that even some of the most troublesome students would mention our youth group as something that was helping them to do better. She also quoted one student as saying to another, "Hey! Jim would bust you for talking that way about her!"

He gives more grace - sometimes in the form of appreciation from a public-school counselor.

 

Some of you who work with youth may be in need of more grace. I hope these words will supply a bit of that: God has called you because He designed you for this task. Your past failures and your present imperfections do not matter - in fact, God may use them for His purpose. I AM has sent you; now go do His work through His strength.